New Original Satire for The Needling

New Original Satire/Parody News Article - Published via The Needling on 11/30/21

Homeless Encampment Swept Ahead of North Seattle Walk to End Homelessness 5K

North Seattle philanthropists rejoiced today when they learned police had swept a large homeless encampment just in time for their 6th Annual Walk to End Homelessness 5K this weekend.

“It’s a miracle! For the homeless people we’re fundraising for—wherever they are now—and our fundraiser,” said 5K organizer Karen Carmichael. “I was starting to get nervous that if all those icky tents weren’t cleared in time the Seattle Barkery van wouldn’t have a safe place to park. My poor corgi would have had to walk an entire 5K without a doggy cupcake. Could you imagine Fluffy’s distress?!”

Presented by Compassion Seattle, the event is reportedly “fun for the whole family” who can pick up free lunches from some of the area’s most popular food trucks, swag bags with water bottles, moisture-wicking socks courtesy of platinum-level sponsor Brooks Running, and even to-go hygiene kits with adorable travel-sized toothpastes and moist towelettes thanks to in-kind donations from Walgreens.

“It’s a lot of hard work, but feels so rewarding to give back and inspire empathy in these divisive times,” Carmichael said. “Now I’m just waiting for someone from the North Precinct to confirm whether they’re free to do the security for my Black Lives Matter fun-run in Fremont next month.”